Monday, July 6, 2015

Respectfully Leaving Your Parents


FamilyLife


 Marriage Memo








I just read this article by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.  I thought it was so good I want to share it with you.  Early in my ministry I learned that the three biggest problems of marriage are, sex, in - laws and finances.  Here is article about leaving your parents and cleaving to your mate.  I have put about half on this blog and will share the other half on tomorrow's blog.

Rev. Steve Bloem 
Executive Director, Heartfelt Counseling Ministries

Respectfully Leaving Your Parents
by Dennis and Barbara Rainey



You may have moved out from your childhood home, but have you really left your parents behind?
God did not mince words when instructing a married couple to leave their parents. The Hebrew words used in Genesis 2:24, which states that "a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife," mean "to forsake dependence upon," "leave behind," "release," and "let go."


Later, Jesus addressed the issue when he said that no one was ever intended to come between a husband and a wife (Matthew 19:6). No one! No in-laws, no mother, no father was meant to divide a couple who had made a covenant with each other to leave, cleave, and become one flesh.


This pointed instruction is needed. Psychologist Dan Allender says in the book Intimate Allies that "the failure to shift loyalty from parents to spouse is a central issue in almost all marital conflict." God knows that leaving parents will be a difficult transition, especially in homes where the child-parent bond has been solid and warm. Unfortunately, many (if not most) couples do not cut the apron strings—they lengthen them!


After our wedding ceremony, Barbara and I walked down the church aisle together, symbolically proclaiming to all those witnesses that we had left our parents. We had forsaken our dependence upon them for our livelihood and emotional support and were turning to each other as the primary relationship of our lives. The public affirmation of our covenant to each other meant, "No relationship on earth, other than my relationship with Jesus Christ and God, is more important than my relationship with my spouse." 


If we do not leave our parents correctly, we will be like a couple I knew who were dependent financially on the wife's family. The situation was robbing the husband of his family leadership potential. The wife kept looking to her dad to bail them out after poor choices. Her husband wasn't able to grow up, face his responsibility to make correct choices for his family, and live with the consequences of his decisions. He was losing self-respect as a man, and it was undermining his wife's respect for him as well.
It can be equally destructive to continue to be emotionally dependent on a parent. This dependence will hinder the Super Glue-like bonding that must occur between husband and wife.


How to leave, yet still honor, your parents
Leaving your home does not mean you permanently withdraw and no longer have a good relationship with your parents. That's isolating yourself from your parents, not leaving. The commandment in Exodus 20:12 to honor your parents means that when you leave them, you need to go with respect, love, admiration, and affirmation for their sacrifices and efforts in raising you. But you must make a break from them and sever your dependence on them. As time passes, you must be diligent to prevent any reestablishment of dependence at critical points in your marriage.

tomorrow -when parents want to re-attach



Please see our book called Broken Minds Hope for Healing When You Feel Like You're Losing It.