My journey with depression, what it feels like.

Depression is not a subject which is usually talked about by evangelical Christians.  But if you counsel those who are born again,who have a mental illness, they will tell you what their symptoms are, and how they affect their mood, thinking, and behavior. Now I have read some great but grisly descriptions of depression and the best ones come from those who have experienced mental illness.

I bought a book once by Kathy Conkrite, the daughter of the legendary newscaster, Walter Cronkite. It included descriptions of her depression, and by many famous people who also suffer suffered from the black plague.. I could only read so much of it because I would start having Post Traumatic Stress Symptoms, Symptoms which are a result of the trauma that I have because of my own horrible, episodic depresion.  People have asked me many times (including psychiatrists); how does it feel when you are depressed?

It (depression) is hard to describe after you are feeling better. The problem is that when you are in the clutches of a depressive episode, you are too depressed to take the time to write about it. The best descriptions that I can come up with are, "it is unbearable anguish, unrelenting sorrow, it is a living Hell."  I hope you don't think I am being profane.

 I use to joke about Hell when someone would tell me that I should go there. My answer was, "I got kicked out for selling ice cream cones." This was not original to me,  but I was not converted and I knew very little on the subject. I no longer joke about Hell. When I say that depression is a living Hell; I am not talking about eternal Hell but I am saying that as far as I know, it is a time of agitation, anxiey, deep sadness, not know how you are going to make it thourgh the morining and when it comes to your family, you feel detached and unable to participate in neither their joys or sorrows.

But there always the hope that medicine will help you.  Those who die forever in Hell have no hope. If you don't know Christ as your personal Savior, you will go to Hell and have the most awful depression., forever

But if you believe in Jesus Christ , you will by faith believe the infinite God/man,  who hung on the cross  and became sin for sinners.  Read what the prophet Isaiah said about Him in Isaiah 52, just as there were many who were appalled at him — his appearance was so disfigued beyond that of any human being and his form marred beyond human likeness, so he will sprinkle many nations,and kings will shut their mouths because of him

Every time I have a severe depressive episode, I think; "when I get out of this; I am going to warn people about Hell."  Of course Hell is not  a politically correct subject these days.  Someday all those who in are Hell will be cast into the lake of fire.Whether you are depressed  or not,, believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved!  Receive Him as your Savior ,and Lord! He gave Himself for you to redeem you from your sins. 

Below is a brief diary of my decomposition into the dark dungeons of depression. I had recently been diagnosed by my psychiatrist as having, Bipolar 2 disorder. This was because my depressive episodes come on quite suddenly and they are  very severe in nature. Here is a brief excerpt from my diary.

May 11, 1997,

 I spoke in a little country church today. I wondered, do I have Post-traumatic Stress disorder because of what I had gone through when i was a pastor in the
Flint Hills of Northern  Kansas.

Also,  I am bombarded by everything is temporary obsessions, and the doing  routine things seem so hard today., I am feeling emotionally drained,. and I fear that this is the beginning of a new severe depressive episode.

May 12, 1997 -I called the doctor and asked him to put me on Buspar to augment my Zoloft.  This was hard for me to request because, I become passive while in a depressive episode. He said he would call my prescription to the pharmacy. I hope this augmentation will work quickly.

May 13, 1997- I am quite depressed today, it is very difficult to concentrate; I have moment by moment sorrow. My mind feels dead, but I was able to get my work done and even teach a Dialectical Behavior Therapy group this afternoon. I was able to relate to many of the woman who have Borderline Personality Disorder and many of them also were depressed.

May 14, 1997 - I started work at about 8:00 am today. It seems that none of my fellow case managers have noticed that I am in a depressive episode. Maybe they do but don't know how to approach me. 
From about 10-12:00 noon, I was in agony and intense sadness. I was  was panicky  and my stomach hurt, my appetite was gone. I finally told the staff psychiatrist that I could no longer work and had to go home.

Immediately separation anxiety overwhelmed me and I want to be with my wife. I called her and she asked me, "is it alright for me to go to a bible study with the ladies this afternoon or do you want me to stay here with you? " I try to be brave but after I hang up, I think, "I have to go home." I sob uncontrollably as I drive home, wiping away tears to be able to see. My youngest son greets me at the door and as soon as I see him, I burst into tears.  He is stunned after seeing me sob and calls for Robyn. I pray to God, "Father please don't let me commit suicide."  Deeper and Deeper I descend into a Hell on earth. My thought in the middle of the most intense suffering, "How will people be able to stand Hell--- the real Hell?"


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