Dear M.
I just got an email from your friend, V. and she
told me that you recently lost your precious son. I am so very sorry, M . V. and
I have become friends over the past 12 years as she has become a woman and mom;
I initially knew her as a teenager when she and our kids were in high school
together. She was friends with our daughter who was killed in 2001. V. has
faithfully “been there” and loved me as I have grieved these years. I am so
glad you have her in your life.
I know there are really no words that can do anything at
this point, but I can tell you,
you will make it. You may not always even WANT
to, but the raw, torturous pain WILL lessen. I know the horror that comes over
you when you open your eyes in the morning and realize it is not just a bad
dream. I know the effort everything has become and will be for a while. Someone
told me “When we bury our parents, we lose the past, when we bury our spouse,
we lose the present, but when we bury a child, we lose the future.” I know this
is not how it is supposed to be; we are supposed to outlive our children and
all the times we protect our kids when they are little and hover over them to
make sure they are all right-then they become adults and die. It isn’t fair, it
isn’t right, it isn’t normal.
I have found comfort, (the only true comfort I really have)
is that there is a future, an eternity where all things will be made right. You
know now that a person doesn’t die of
a broken heart. It feels like you should; I thought certainly the pain would
kill me, but it didn’t. I survived.
Your friends will want to help and they won’t know what to
do. Let them in. Let the ones who you love come alongside of you and be there
with you in the midst of your sorrow and grief. I used to think, “Why should I
answer the phone? There is nothing anyone could say to me unless they are
calling to tell me it was all a mistake and Lindsay is actually sitting in the
driveway, so, why should I talk to anyone?”
But I had one friend who persevered with me and kept calling and telling
me she loved me and would bring me flowers with another bouquet for Lindsay's grave.
So, how would I know I wanted that or needed that? I didn’t, but she did and
it always helped me just being with her. So, I guess I would say not to
isolate yourself even though you feel like it.
I really don’t know if anything I have said has even made
sense. You are right in the thick of it and everything seems blurry and
nonsensical, I am sure. Just know you are loved by your friends and family and
you will make it. You will even be stronger and better in the long run, but it
will take a while. Again, I am very, very sorry.
I will be praying for you and if there is a time you would
like to talk or ANYTHING, you can tell V. and I would be glad to. My husband
and I have a ministry now where we help people with depression, bipolar, etc., and also with bereavement issues from loss of a child,
especially.
May God help you and give you strength to go on. My deepest
care and sincerest love,
Robyn Bloem
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